Harry Potter goes to Hell
by StupidSequel
Summary: No mpreg this time! Harry Potter dies and goes to hell because witchcraft is a sin and he could not abandon his precious magic. Featuring a parody of the Robot Hell song from Futurama. OMG, I just noticed this story has 1337 words!


**Harry Potter goes to Hell**

One day Harry Potter went to church like he does every Sunday morning. The preacher had touched upon a subject that he did not expect, and could thus permanently change his life.

"Did you all know that according to the Bible, witchcraft is a sin? If you practice witchcraft, YOU'RE GOIN TO HELL! Hell is not a fun place to be. Described as a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth, it is hardly ever mentioned in the Bible, and not even fully described, but let's just assume that in hell, you're on fire forever! That's right. If you cast a single spell out of your magic wand, you will find yourself literally burning from head to toe, feeling intense agony for eternity, never once losing feeling. If you burn yourself on the stove, that's painful, right? Well, imagine that pain, all over your body, for all eternity, and that's what you get for casting spells. On top of all that, Satan will say 'you just lost the game,' so now you have lost the game for all eternity cuz you're thinking about 'the game' all the time and if you think about 'the game' then you lose 'the game.' If you're a wizard, I'm sorry to say this, but only Muggles are allowed into heaven. If you repent now and burn your wands, you can still be saved."

After church...

"Harry, did you pull the Avada Kedavra curse on the preacher?" Ginny gasped.

"He said I was never allowed to use magic ever again," Harry pouted. "Now I need to aim my wand at the sky and use the killing curse on the Creator." Harry aimed his wand upwards and used the killing curse. Nothing happened, except for a dead goose falling from the sky and landing a few inches from where Harry was standing. "I'm starting Wizard college in a few weeks at Springwarts University, majoring in occlumency. Going to hell will be worth it."

One day his semester at Springwarts was over.

"Oh yeah, straight D's! And a few F's." That was the best report card Harry had ever gotten.

"If you spelled out the grades on your report card, they would spell duh duh duh eff," Ginny teased.

"One of those was a duh duh duh plus," Harry retorted. "Hey, where's your wand?"

"I burned it. Why?" Ginny replied innocently.

"I think that preacher guy was bluffing. God loves us enough that I would not worry about burning in hell. It's like this. Would you set your kids on fire just for misbehaving?"

"Not unless I was in the mood for s'mores," Ginny joked.

"Good answer. Oh, I get it now! The reason God sends people to hell is to roast marshmallows because he loves s'mores! I knew He wasn't all bad. But seriously, I don't believe in hell, and I'm gonna prove to you that hell doesn't exist." He taped a camcorder to his body and used the killing curse on himself. Ginny face palmed, knowing that he damned himself. She then formed an idea, but she would need Hermione's help because Ginny had no idea how to make Polyjuice potions, and Hermione did. After recruiting Hermione in her little mission, they both looked with lust at a man while hating someone, and then they suicided.

Meanwhile, Harry was surprised to see the fire and brimstone hell that the preacher so often talked about. He almost felt like he was on fire. He saw people getting tortured, burned, being run over by lawn mowers, you name it. Harry didn't like this place at all, and he decided he didn't want to record anything when his camcorder burst into flames, and also, a video of a burning human being posted on YouTube would so get flagged. He met a huge red muscular goat like figure holding a pitch fork. According to his name tag, his name was Stan.

"Hi Stan," Harry said casually.

"God dammit, they misspelled my name!" Satan pouted.

"Funny thing about that. Since we're in hell, telling God to damn something is pointless because it would end up here anyway cuz where else is it gonna go, Detroit?" Harry pointed out. Satan nodded.

"Then that's why my name tag STILL SAYS STAN," Satan said fiercely. "C'mon, it's time for your orientation." Satan was taking Harry on a tour through hell, showing him all the different torture chambers, nearly all of which somehow involved fire. After the tour...

"Gentlemen." Satan ordered as a band of demonic figures were playing musical instruments like a band would do.

"Aw crap, singing. Mind if I see my Patronus?" Harry started, and soon after Satan broke into song. (AN: the following musical number is sung in an identical rhythm to Futurama's Robot Hell song.)

"Wands are evil, you won't miss em, we'll find ways to simulate that spell, what a sorry Harry, crashed and burned like my friend Gary. Here on level 1 of Wizard Hell.

"Witchcraft's wrong and so is cheating, so is driving flying cars to school, let's let lady luck decide what type of torture's for you fools, I'm pit boss here on level 2. Oh, every flavor wizard."

"Just tell me why"

"Just read this thousand page warrant," Satan said while holding a Bible.

"There must be wizards worse than I"

"I've checked around there really aren't."

"Now I am so confused, how am I worse than Voldemort?"

"You cut school in your final year"

"Don't blame me, blame Dumbledore,"

"Please stop, it's my show, you whore," the devil sang as Harry was looking at a cute girl intently who wasn't Ginny.

"Casting spells before Muggles, they need to make sense of what is going on."

"Hey, Harry gonna break your wand, cause there's no more casting spells in hell. That's whatcha whatcha get on level 10."

Ginny and Hermione running through hell to rescue Harry and Ron.

"I'm feeling sick."

"It's up to us to rescue him,"

"I know that, you effing prick,"

"C'mon now do not fret, I think my pants are getting wet, I really hope there's Johns in hell."

"I wanna eat at Taco Bell."

"Going through time, hexing people, getting help from this Half Blood Prince. You'll pay for every crime, you're here till the end of time. I said that just to make it rhyme, (spoken) cause you know, time will end at some point, and you'll be here in hell forever after that. Anyway, (sung) trapped forever here in Wizard Hell!"

"Oh my God! Hermione and Ginny, what are you doing here?" Harry was surprised to see his wizard friends in hell with him.

"Ssshhhh. We've come to rescue you." Hermione whispered. "Oh no, you lost your wand, and Ginny told me she burned hers. Luckily my husband Ron still had his wand. Here, drink this." Hermione gave Ginny and Harry a glass of Polyjuice potion. They each transformed into someone who is currently alive.

"Luna Lovegood, Flitwick, and McGonagall? But it's not their time yet. In fact, they abandoned magic years ago. They're not supposed to be here in hell," Satan was confused as ever.

"Yeah, I know, Satan. Sorry for the mix-up. You three are free to go." St. Peter shouted from above. Hermione, Ginny, and Harry were now back on Earth.

"We sure fooled him with our disguises. I'm surprised it worked," Harry gloated. They celebrated by playing Quidditch while drunk and during a tornado.


End file.
